Once upon a corporate kingdom

Once upon a time, there was a place named Corporate Kingdom or Kingdom in short. And the ruler of Kingdom was King. In Kingdom, there lived a lot of subjects-  people who were adept at the art of warfare, good soldiers. There were archers, pistol marksmen, sword wielders and canon operators. Some subjects were excellent in their role, some were decent and some not good. The usual diverse combination of skills and attitude, one finds in any corporate of today. In Kingdom, these subjects were grouped together into bands, much like the departments of today’s corporate and each band had a general, who functioned very much like the managers of today’s corporate.  These bands of soldiers fought battles, battles they would be given lunch for.

King commanded and the generals obeyed. Well, at least most of the time they obeyed. Battles were fought. Some battles were won, some lost. When they were lost, the paymaster of the band would holler at King. Much like the escalations of today’s corporate. And King would holler back at his generals, well he would really holler, not send a stinker email that people in today’s corporate do.

General 1! He would shout. What have you been doing. Look at your band, the bows are of different shapes, the pistols are not shining enough, and your sword wielders have not even polished their scabbards. How can you win a battle like that? What have you been doing? Hatching eggs? Look at General 2. Learn from him. He has been winning all battles. His people are awesome. They know how many arrows are there in their quiver, they keep their pistol all scrubbed and shining. General 1 would stand before King, his head bent low, eyes rooted to the ground.

In this way, King kept the generals on tenterhooks. If he wanted something done, and thought that merely telling his generals or hollering at them will not be enough, he would tell them about God. God wanted to see this, God thought that Kingdom was not meeting standards, God wanted us to banish the not so good subjects from Kingdom and so on. The subjects and the generals would get scared, or act scared (many had learnt to see through King’s lies and threats) and do King’s bidding.

No one dared cross King. Everyone was falling over each other, treading on each other’s feet or pushing down each other’s head, trying to outdo each other to rise in King’s eyes. Everyone was a participant in “Please King” contest. King would enjoy this contest and gloat over the subjects’ competitive spirit.

Once King issued an order. There needs to be 10% reduction in the number of people who come for lunch today! I don’t care how you do it. There will be a door keeper who will count the number of people who enter the door for lunch today. If any of you dare slip in an extra person, God will punish him. This 10% reduction is God’s order and anyone who does not want to obey may please take his butt out the door!

The generals set to work. Some subjects were ready to go and some were asked to go out of Kingdom. Their bows, arrows, pistols and swords were distributed among the rest of the band. So, some had a bow, some had a quiver of arrows, some had a pistol and some had the bullets.

How are we going to fight a battle? Squealed the subjects.

This is God’s will, retorted the generals. When there is a battle, the one with the bow and the one with the arrows come together and co-operate with each other. It’s with mutual co-operation that battles are won.

But, some of us are not trained in the other art of warfare. A bowman does not know how to operate a pistol. Squealed the subjects again.

You must learn of course, replied the generals again. And you better be quick in your learning, otherwise your paymasters will holler at King again. And of that happens, many of you will be banished and get no lunch.

The subjects nodded and dispersed.

One day King called his generals. He said, there are many water-bodies around Kingdom and I want us to transform into a state of art scuba diving center. People should come to us with their underwater problems and we will solve them through scuba diving. Tell all your people that they need to start scuba diving from today.

But they are soldiers King! How can we expect them to be scuba divers? And that too great scuba divers? told General 1. All other generals looked at him. They too probably wanted to say the same thing, but kept quiet. Firing from General 1’s shoulder is easier. Just one person would face King’s wrath and General 1 was already in King’s bad books, so it did not make much of a difference.

King shook with rage. How many naysayers are there in this group? You have the option to leave Kingdom right now! This is going to become a scuba- diving hub, a center of excellence. I am going to get the best general to lead this. And if General 1 thinks he can go on hatching eggs, I need to remind him that paymasters don’t give lunch to egg hatchers!

General 1 hung his head again and set out on the mission of converting soldiers to scuba-divers. Some new soldiers from the neighboring areas wanted to join General 1’s band, but he turned them down.

Why? Asked the band.

They don’t know scuba diving, he replied. Scuba diving is the need of the hour, no scuba diving, no entry to my band!

But, General 1, argued his band, we have often dived into deep waters during battles whenever there was a need. We have fought battles in land and water. Anyone who is a good soldier will know to do that. But scuba diving is a specialized skill. How many soldiers will have it?

Nothing doing, said General 1. King wants us to be a scuba diving center. All of you better learn scuba diving quickly, otherwise there will be no mutton for lunch. No dessert. You will be given just a bit of starch, some carbs and liquidy protein.

Thus, the whole band concentrated on scuba diving. They kept their bows and arrows, swords and pistols aside and kept practicing scuba diving. Some seemed to have a natural aptitude for it, others were struggling. Since it was a new skill, training for it took up a lot of time. Their warfare skills started deteriorating, while they became average scuba divers.

One fine day, King was in a great mood. The soldiers had won all their battles, the lunches were good and God had praised him a lot. He felt like a game of bat ball. Bat ball is a team game. It is an ancient version of modern day cricket. The baller throws the ball at the batter and the batter hits the ball. King called all his generals to prepare for a day long tournament of bat ball. The bands were very happy and excited. They knew King played bat ball very well and they were in for a tight game.

General 1 knew that his band played bat ball very well. His soldiers could easily defeat King and his team. So he rounded them up. The band, happy that their leader had called them, was eager to hear General 1’s motivational speech.

Dare not play well, dare not win, announced General 1. The soldiers looked at each other in confusion! Had they heard right? Was their general asking them to lose? What kind of general commands their troops to lose? Even in a game.

If you win, said General 1, we will all have a miserable year ahead. You will be asked the count of arrows in your quiver, the colour of the enemies hair, the length of their swords in millimeters. Are you ready for such questions.

No, said the soldiers. Cheers for defeat!

They played, they lost. King won. He was happy. He threw a beer party. Everyone got drunk and had a good night’s sleep.

Days passed, the soldiers got better and better at scuba diving. One day God visited them. King was super happy, he wanted to show off how much progress they had made in scuba diving. He arranged for a show, deep lakes were dug in Kingdom, new gear was bought and the best scuba divers were put forward. King met God at the gate and ushered him in and proudly showed him the scuba diving stadium.

God looked around and said, Where are the soldiers? I don’t see any soldiers.

King looked around, shouted at the scuba divers to back off, shouted at General 1 to get his band ready. General 1 and his soldiers scrambled for their bows and arrows, some bows were loose in the string, some arrows had rusted. Some pistols were dirty and some swords had blunted. Nevertheless, they tried to show off their warfare skills to God. Some missed their targets, some hit with difficulty. But they managed to impress God.

The next day King called everyone for an assembly, like a town hall in today’s corporate. We are soldiers, he said. While we are good at scuba diving, we need to remain true to our vocation. I want you to succeed in all battles. Back to work now all of you!

The subjects of Kingdom went back to their bows and arrows, their pistols and swords. They went back to practicing the art of warfare. They kept scuba diving too, but not at the pace they used to.

And King started to think What next?